Lianne, I wrote a thing

I’m not sure what I’m doing with this space anymore. I still compose partial blog posts in my head on the daily, but I never make it back here to write it out for so many reasons. I continue to contemplate just shutting the entire thing down … but it was such a huge part of who I am that I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet. I can’t close the door.

This space right here, or the earlier version of it anyway, got me through the boys all being toddlers at once … got me through feeling like I was all by myself (even if I wasn’t really) when the days were so long they felt like they wouldn’t end. This space helped me to find some of my very closest friends.

I had endless material here when they were small. And when I felt like I was running out? They would give me ideas on what to blog! Hey Mommy, blog that!

It’s different now. The Big Guy is 12 and the twins are 10 (turning 11 this summer – someone hold me). I can’t share all the things that I used to. I thought I’d turn this into writing about acting and all the crazy things that go with it … but even then, there’s almost more you can’t say vs what you can.

So again I find myself wondering what to do here … but desperately missing the part of me that could do this all the time. A few weeks ago, my best friend and I made a deal. (That neither one of us is holding up her end of.) If I would start blogging some stuff here, she would work on writing some papers for class. Even if it’s just 10 or 15 minutes a day.

I told her about what I was currently doing to try (for the millionth time) to finally lose the pregnancy weight a decade later. Because if you know me in real life – or even online – I’ve pretty much tried it all. Even those things that you know you should just stay away from. I told her that currently? I’m like … totally slowly dying. Which she found hilarious.

That was on day 5. And that’s what we decided I’d start writing about.

So here we go I guess.

It’s been 19 days since I have had a drink. It’s been 14 days since I started the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. I’m 4 days past the 10 day cleanse and on to the vitamins and supplements … which you really need to eat with, I can’t stress that enough. Learned the hard way when I waited too long to eat this morning, that what you get is sick when you wait. And I won’t ever do that to myself again.

All these months later, I’m still in physical therapy 2 days a week … because of the accident that totaled my truck a few days before Christmas. My hip is still all sorts of messed up, but my shoulder and back are better. That’s still hard to swallow most days. I took the loss of my truck really hard. At the same time, I know how damn lucky the boys and I were when a much bigger truck then ours blew through a red light. I still can’t breathe thinking about the what ifs. What if I waited another moment … what if I was driving Al’s smaller car that day … what if it had hit the side instead of the front where I was … what if the boys were the ones that got hurt … what if.

We’re still down to one car for now, so that’s making things really tough too. It’s a crazy juggle between track team practice, hip hop, drums and guitar, acting … Al’s work schedule … my appointments … trips to NY … and more.

Last week I got the OK from physical therapy to start personal training sessions once a week and see how it goes. It’s like old times again, because it’s me and Jules back at it. But it’s not us and 6 toddlers in tow at the Y. It’s whoever doesn’t have an after school activity that day hanging at the gym on the side as Jen works us out. And it’s awesome. (Even if 2 full days later I’m still super sore.)

I don’t know how long I will stick with any of this, or what my actual goal is right now aside from just seeing some changes. I’ll certainly be cracking open a wine bottle at some point. And I’ll have dessert on Easter Sunday (which happens to be day 24). Right now I’m just trying to make sure I’m eating super healthy, exceeding my daily water goal, and that I keep moving. For me, the month of March is as hard as the November and December holidays – maybe more so. March has St. Patrick’s Day, St. Joseph’s Day, my anniversary, my birthday – and this year we add Palm Sunday and Easter to the mix. If I can mostly stay on track this month, I might actually have it down.

So here we are. This is me right now. And if anyone still reads this, I might be back over the next few days with more. We’ll see.

You owe me 10-15 minutes of that paper, Li.

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