On being stranded and learning lessons

Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point?

Remember me?

It’s been what … 7 long months since I last blogged? I miss this place. My home. A home I have struggled over and over with going back to. Feeling like it was taken from me for so many reasons.

Everything has changed.

Everything.

This is my current song obsession right here. Which you know if you read my Facebook. I cannot get enough of it. I never even liked Kesha prior to this. From the very first time I heard this song, I was in tears. I’ve heard it about a million times now and it still gives me goosebumps. And man, this girl can Sing.

I’ve spent so damn long questioning everything.

Every.thing.

Because what is the lesson? What is the point?

I have felt stranded. What is my purpose supposed to be?

I spent so much time working towards something that meant a great deal to me, only to watch it all collapse in slow motion.

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell

So much truth. Actual truth. Not some twisted alternative version of it.

I even thought about putting it in a book. But if I feel like I can’t even sit here and blog, how would I ever get it all into a book?

Today I spent the day with a very dear friend and had a little thing I like to call girlfriend therapy. And it’s been so long. I let so much of it out. And I found myself really emotional a few hours later.

I was sitting by the tennis court, watching my 3 babies (who are no longer even close to the age I should be calling them babies) at practice. Earbuds in. This song came on. And I welled up with tears and fought to hold back the sobs. I made these 3 amazing little people right there who are growing up so fast.

Is that my purpose? It’s a big one for sure. But that can’t be the only thing I’m here to do.

There has to be more.

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again

I’m working on working through things. That’s a constant work in progress. More books to read than I have time for, but I’m getting there. Mediation. So much meditation. Yoga. (Who am I, right? I couldn’t stand yoga a few years back.) Energy healing. Breathing.

There has to be an answer to all of this somewhere. Right? I mean, I don’t know for sure. But I’m working on finding it. And I’m thinking about taking some classes and trying to figure out where I go next. Because there has to be a next.

Because I can’t ever go back to where things were.

Ever.

‘Cause I can make it on my own
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain

I know this might sound vague. This is me speaking my truth. Letting it out. Blogging it out like I used to. Wondering if I can still do this. Determined to try. No matter how many times I fall down in the process.

Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give

God I hope that’s true.

Ever feel like you are on a merry-go-round so to speak, but you keep… falling off? I’m working on getting back up right now. Again.

I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

And that’s all I can say today.

 

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